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help for Young People
Everyone knows that divorce is tough, especially on children.
Your parents have made a huge decision not to live together any more, and you may not want this.
Sometimes when parents decide not to live together, children can get caught up in taking sides. Children can also feel pressured by one parent to take a side. When this happens, children can feel like they have to think and feel the way that parent does, even if doing this doesn't feel right.
Does this sound like you?
Do I feel like I have to choose between my parents?
If you do, are any of these things happening to you?
- One parent gets annoyed or angry when I pay attention to my other parent.
- One parent has asked me to keep secrets from my other parent.
- One parent asks me a lot of questions about the time I spend with my other parent.
- One parent says nasty things, gets upset or shows no interest when I tell them I've had a good time with my other parent.
- One parent stops me from talking to my other parent.
- One parent tells me things about my other parent that I don't want to know.
- One parent has told me that my other parent doesn't really love me.
- One parent looks sad, angry, or hurt when I leave to be with my other parent.
- One parent has asked me to spy on my other parent.
- One parent says mean and untrue things about my other parent.
- One parent lets me choose whether I want to spend time with my other parent, but I always feel like I have to choose not to see them.
- One parent doesn't want me to have photos of my other parent
- One parent wants me to call my other parent by their name, not mum or dad
- One parent tells me I don't have to do what my other parent says
- One parent has said to me that my other parent is dangerous, but they weren't dangerous before my parents split up
- One parent doesn't like my other parent knowing how I'm going at school
- One parent has made me call my step-parent mum or dad.
If these things are happening to you, stop and think for yourself.
Here are things you can do:
Sometimes when parents feel so hurt by the other parent,
they say hurtful things about them. But here's the thing – just because they say it doesn't make it true.
Check out these really helpful questions below that'll help you think about what's happening in your life. They're like superhero questions that help you see things in a new way, so you can make decisions like a boss.
Grab a comfy spot, find some quiet and let's dive into it together!
Ask yourself these questions
- What do I believe?
- Why do I believe it?
- What is actually true?
- What have I seen with my own eyes?
- Is there another way to think about this?
- What is the evidence to support this new way of thinking?
- Could I be mistaken or have been told things that are not true?
- Could I be trying to please one parent over the other?
- Am I free to change my mind?
- What would happen if I stopped believing what one parent has told me?
Here are some more questions to ask yourself. Take your time to really think about them.
- What are my choices?
- What do I think of them?
- What am I being pressured to do?
- What do I think of that option?
- How can I have a relationship with both my parents?
- What do I know to be true about each of my parents?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- What kind of person will I be…
In one year’s time…
In five years’ time…
In 10 years’ time…
…if I am not true to myself?
- What kind of relationship do I want with both of my parents?
Prioritising Time & Relationships
- Which family members are most important to me right now? Why?
- How can I maximise the quality of my time with my elderly relatives, given the time limitations?
- What activities would be most meaningful to spend time doing with them?
- What are my realistic expectations for the time I have with elderly family members? (Acknowledging their potential physical or cognitive limitations)
- Are there certain conversations I want to have with them before it’s too late? What are those conversations?
- What memories do I want to create with them?
- Is there family history I should learn more about while they are still around?
- How can I balance spending time with family with my other responsibilities and emotional needs?
- Do I need to ask for help managing my time and emotional energy so I can spend time with family? From whom?
- Am I prioritising family time based on my own needs or the expectations of others?
- Am I feeling pressured to spend time with family I don't want to spend time with? Why? How do I address that?
- Does spending time with family increase or decrease my stress levels? How can I make it a positive experience?
- How can I make the most of my visits, even if they are short?
- How can I communicate my needs and boundaries respectfully to family members?
Addressing Emotional Challenges
- What are my concerns about spending time with family, and how can I address them proactively?
- What boundaries do I need to set to protect myself emotionally while still connecting with family?
- How can I communicate my boundaries clearly and respectfully to family members?
- What coping strategies can I use if a family interaction becomes difficult?
- How can I learn to forgive past hurts and move forward in a healthy way? (This is crucial, and professional support may be essential here)
- What support can I seek to help me navigate these complex family relationships?
- How can I focus on building new, healthy relationships within my family, rather than dwelling on past problems?
Healthy Boundaries
Here are some ways to set some boundaries:
Setting boundaries with parents who are in conflict can be challenging but is essential for your well-being. Here are some examples of what you might say to establish boundaries with parents:
Expressing Feelings
"I love both of you, but when you talk negatively about each other, it makes me feel upset and caught in the middle. Can we focus on positive things when we're together?"
Taking Control of Conversations
"I would prefer not to discuss issues between you two. It's hard for me, and I want our time together to be positive."
Clarifying Independence
"I need space to form my own opinions about each of you. Please don't pressure me to take sides; I want to make my own decisions."
Avoiding Negative Conversations
"I don't want to hear negative things about the other parent. Can we keep our conversations focused on things that make me feel good?"
Setting Expectations
"I want to enjoy my time with each of you without feeling stressed. Let's agree not to involve me in your conflicts."
Expressing Love for Both Parents
"I love you both, and it hurts when I feel stuck between your disagreements. Can we find a way to make things more positive for all of us?"
Requesting a United Front
"I know you both love me. It would mean a lot if you could find a way to communicate and support me without involving me in your conflicts."
Seeking Professional Help
"I think it would be helpful for all of us to talk to someone who can help us navigate these difficult situations. Can we consider seeing a family counsellor?"
Explaining the Impact
"When you argue or say negative things about each other, it makes it hard for me to feel comfortable and loved. Can we work on keeping our time together positive?"
Affirming Independence
"I appreciate your concern, but I need to figure things out on my own. Please respect my need for independence in my relationships with both of you."
These statements can serve as starting points for you to express your feelings and establish healthy boundaries with your parents.
Unhelpful thinking
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Negative glasses – when you only see the negatives and ignore the positives. If you have a good time, you will still find things that were wrong and then you only see these negative things.
Positives don’t count – When positive are dismissed. You might have a good day with you parent until you start thinking about all the negative things your other parent has told you about them.
All-or-nothing thinking – When you think everything and everyone is good or bad. There is no in-between. You might think one parent is perfect while your other parent is all bad. You might have an argument with your parent and think you’re a bad son/daughter because you made them mad.
Magnifying the negative – When the importance of things that happen is exaggerated.
Negative events are magnified and blown up out of all proportion.
The mind reader – When you think you know what another person is thinking or feeling about you. You might think you parent doesn’t love you when you have no concrete information to support this.
Fortune-telling – When you think you know what will happen. Like thinking, if you see your other parent they will be awful to you, even when you have no concrete information to support this.
Shoulds – When you have rules on how you should behave and how others should behave and when these shoulds don’t happen, you can feel disappointed or angry.
Blame me – When you decide you are to blame for everything that’s gone wrong, even when these things were outside of your control, like blaming yourself for your parents deciding to split up.
Self support
How can I support myself?
How you think and what you do affects how you feel. Our minds are always busy. We are always thinking about all sorts of things. Many of our thoughts are about what is going on around us. Some of our thoughts are about:
The way we see ourselves:
I’m no good
I’m ugly
I’m a good son/daughter
How we judge what we do:
I’m hopeless at school
I’m good at sports.
I’m not good at keeping mum happy
Our view of the future:
No one will ever want like me.
I’ll never go to university
I’ll be happy when I’m older
The thoughts we have about ourselves and our future can be:
Automatic – they just happen. They pop up without you having to think of them.
Distorted – when you stop and check you will find that they don’t always fit all the facts.
Continuous – they can’t easily be turned off.
Seem true – even when they’re not
When these thoughts are unhelpful (e.g. I’m no good), they make us feel awful and change the way we behave. Sometimes these thoughts can be influenced by others e.g. I’m only a good person when I do what my parent tells me.
What can you do?
Check for unhelpful thinking traps:
How often do you find yourself looking for the bad things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself looking for the things that go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you ignore or overlook the positive or good things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you play down the positive or good things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself using all-or-nothing thinking?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you think you know what other people are thinking about you?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you expect things to go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you think that things are not good enough unless they are perfect?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself thinking that you ‘should’ do this or that?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you blame yourself for the things that happen or go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
When we get stuck in these thinking traps, it’s important we get a more balanced view of what is going on. The following questions might be help you to get a more balance view:
- What evidence is there to support this thought?
- What evidence is there to question this thought?
- What would my best friend say if they heard me thinking in this way?
- What would I say to my best friend if he or she had this thought?
Find My Parent APP
Search for your family today! Visit their website HERE and download their app below.
Headspace LINKS
10 Self-Care Tips for Maximising Wellbeing
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
It is important that we look after our physical and mental health so we can keep on top of things during stressful times.
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
General practitioners (GPs) are doctors who are trained to help you with any type of physical or mental health issue. They keep your health issues private and their services are either free or at a low cost. This means that seeing a GP is a great place to start when you are concerned about any health issues including contraception, sex
General practitioners (GPs) are doctors who are trained to help you with any type of physical or mental health issue. They keep your health issues private and their services are either free or at a low cost. This means that seeing a GP is a great place to start when you are concerned about any health issues including contraception, sexual health, drug or alcohol use, relationship problems, or feeling down or upset.
Sleep is a really important part of your life
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Sleep is a really important part of your life
It helps us to feel well, focused and happy. Most people experience a bad night's sleep now and again, but if you regularly don't get enough sleep it can really affect how you feel and what you can get done during the day.
Please Sign Our Petition
Parental Alienating Behaviours
are Child Abuse & Family Violence.
This serious form of abuse and family violence can no longer be ignored. Parental alienating behaviours must be acknowledged in Australia as it is in other parts of the world. We need legislation that not only acknowledges its existence but firmly and clearly legislates against it.