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Family conflict can be really tough, no matter what the situation is. Whether your parents are together or separated, family issues can put you in a difficult spot. Sometimes, even when families stay together, young people can feel like they have to pick sides. This can happen when one parent or other family members put pressure on you to agree with them or feel a certain way. This can be really confusing, especially when you feel like you have to choose one person over another.
Does this sound like you?
Do you feel like you have to choose between your parents or other family members?
If you do, are any of these things happening to you?
If these things are happening to you, stop and think for yourself.
Sometimes, when parents or other family members feel hurt or upset, especially when things are heated, they might say negative things about someone else. But just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s true.
You might notice that what you’ve been told might not match how you feel or what you’ve seen for yourself. That can be really confusing. It’s okay to have mixed-up feelings when things don’t make sense. It’s also okay to question your thoughts. Asking questions, even difficult ones, can help you figure out what’s real and what truly matters to you.
Check out the powerful questions below. They’re like personal superhero tools, helping you see things more clearly and make choices that feel right for you.
Find a quiet space, get comfortable, and take some time to think things through. If it ever feels overwhelming, you can always take a break and come back later.
Take a moment to reflect with these questions. They can help you see things from a new perspective and make your own decisions:
Take your time and really think about each one:
In one year’s time?
In five years’ time?
In ten years’ time?
…if I am not true to myself?
Setting boundaries with parents or other family members who are in conflict can be challenging but is essential for your well-being. Here are some examples of what you might say to establish boundaries with parents:
Expressing Feelings
"I love both of you, but when you talk negatively about each other, it makes me feel upset and caught in the middle. Can we focus on positive things when we're together?"
Taking Control of Conversations
"I would prefer not to discuss issues between you two. It's hard for me, and I want our time together to be positive."
Clarifying Independence
"I need space to form my own opinions about each of you. Please don't pressure me to take sides; I want to make my own decisions."
Avoiding Negative Conversations
"I don't want to hear negative things about the other parent. Can we keep our conversations focused on things that make me feel good?"
Setting Expectations
"I want to enjoy my time with each of you without feeling stressed. Let's agree not to involve me in your conflicts."
Expressing Love for Both Parents
"I love you both, and it hurts when I feel stuck between your disagreements. Can we find a way to make things more positive for all of us?"
Requesting a United Front
"I know you both love me. It would mean a lot if you could find a way to communicate and support me without involving me in your conflicts."
Seeking Professional Help
"I think it would be helpful for all of us to talk to someone who can help us navigate these difficult situations. Can we consider seeing a family counsellor?"
Explaining the Impact
"When you argue or say negative things about each other, it makes it hard for me to feel comfortable and loved. Can we work on keeping our time together positive?"
Affirming Independence
"I appreciate your concern, but I need to figure things out on my own. Please respect my need for independence in my relationships with both of you."
These statements can serve as starting points for you to express your feelings and establish healthy boundaries with your parents.
Learn how to Catch, Check, and Change unhelpful thoughts using the fun ANTs metaphor!
This short video helps young people recognise negative thinking patterns and turn them into more helpful ones. It’s a simple, practical way to build confidence, reduce anxiety, and boost emotional wellbeing.
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Negative glasses – when you only see the negatives and ignore the positives. If you have a good time, you will still find things that were wrong and then you only see these negative things.
Positives don’t count – When positive are dismissed. You might have a good day with you parent until you start thinking about all the negative things your other parent has told you about them.
All-or-nothing thinking – When you think everything and everyone is good or bad. There is no in-between. You might think one parent is perfect while your other parent is all bad. You might have an argument with your parent and think you’re a bad son/daughter because you made them mad.
Magnifying the negative – When the importance of things that happen is exaggerated.
Negative events are magnified and blown up out of all proportion.
The mind reader – When you think you know what another person is thinking or feeling about you. You might think you parent doesn’t love you when you have no concrete information to support this.
Fortune-telling – When you think you know what will happen. Like thinking, if you see your other parent they will be awful to you, even when you have no concrete information to support this.
Shoulds – When you have rules on how you should behave and how others should behave and when these shoulds don’t happen, you can feel disappointed or angry.
Blame me – When you decide you are to blame for everything that’s gone wrong, even when these things were outside of your control, like blaming yourself for your parents deciding to split up.
This video explains some of the things you can try when you feel overwhelmed by your thoughts. After the video, take a few moments to observe your thoughts with curiosity, paying attention to how each one makes you feel. Paying attention to your thoughts and sorting through them takes practice and patience.
When you're in a tough situation, like feeling caught between two parents, your mind can get really busy. You might think things that make you feel awful, especially when it feels like you have to choose sides. These thoughts can change how you feel and how you act, and they can also be influenced by what others say or do.
Some of your thoughts might be about:
The thoughts we have about ourselves and our future can be:
When these thoughts are unhelpful (for example, "I’m the problem"), they can make you feel awful and change the way you behave. Sometimes, these thoughts can be influenced by others, like feeling you’re only a good person when you do what one parent tells you. This can make it even harder to see the situation clearly and understand that it's not your fault, and you're allowed to love both parents.
Remember, these thoughts don’t define who you are or what your future will be. They are often influenced by the stress of being caught in the middle, and you don’t have to carry the blame.
When you're stuck in a tough situation, like feeling caught between two parents, it’s easy to fall into thinking traps. These are negative patterns that can make things feel worse and lead you to believe stuff that might not even be true.
Try answering these questions:
(Answer: Never / Sometimes / Often / All the Time)
When you notice these patterns, it’s helpful to slow down and get a more balanced view. Ask yourself:
Good mental health allows you to deal with the changes and challenges life throws at you and live your life in a positive and meaningful way. It includes things like being able to work and study, deal with day-to-day life stress, feel connected to others, be involved in activities in your community and ‘bounce back’ when things go wrong.
(There is a great downloadable PDF on headspace link)
It is important that we look after our physical and mental health so we can keep on top of things during stressful times.
General practitioners (GPs) are doctors who are trained to help you with any type of physical or mental health issue. They keep your health issues private and their services are either free or at a low cost. This means that seeing a GP is a great place to start when you are concerned about any health issues including contraception, sexual
General practitioners (GPs) are doctors who are trained to help you with any type of physical or mental health issue. They keep your health issues private and their services are either free or at a low cost. This means that seeing a GP is a great place to start when you are concerned about any health issues including contraception, sexual health, drug or alcohol use, relationship problems, or feeling down or upset.
It helps us to feel well, focused and happy. Most people experience a bad night's sleep now and again, but if you regularly don't get enough sleep it can really affect how you feel and what you can get done during the day.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you can talk to a trusted adult like a school counsellor or a psychologist. They can help you understand your feelings, think clearly, and learn skills like setting boundaries and looking after yourself.
If talking to a parent doesn’t feel safe, or you need private support, you can also contact one of the services listed here, they’re there to help you.
24 hour
Anyone in crisis, including young people.
Mental health, suicidal thoughts, emotional support.
24 hour
Kids Helpline is Australia’s only free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25.
National youth mental health foundation dedicated to improving the wellbeing of young Australians aged between 12-25.
24 hour
Support - Advice - Action
BeyondBlue provides information and support to help everyone in Australia achieve their best possible mental health, whatever their age and wherever they live.
Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people (including youth). Crisis support from trained Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander staff.
LGBTQIA+ people of all ages (including teens)
Identity, coming out, relationships, mental health.
Call Triple Zero (000) only in life threatening emergencies. When you call:
Stay focused, stay relevant, stay on topic.
Search for your family today! Visit their website HERE and download their app below.
Parental Alienating Behaviours
are Child Abuse & Family Violence.
This serious form of abuse and family violence can no longer be ignored. Parental alienating behaviours must be acknowledged in Australia as it is in other parts of the world. We need legislation that not only acknowledges its existence but firmly and clearly legislates against it.