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Help for Young People
Everyone knows that divorce or family conflict is tough, especially on children.
Family conflict can be really tough, no matter what the situation is. Whether your parents are together or separated, family issues can put you in a difficult spot.
Sometimes, even when families stay together, young people can feel like they have to pick sides. This can happen when one parent or other family members put pressure on you to agree with them or feel a certain way. This can be really confusing, especially when you feel like you have to choose one person over another.
Does this sound like you?
Do you feel like you have to choose between your parents or other family members?
If you do, are any of these things happening to you?
- Someone gets upset when I want to spend time with the other parent or family member.
- I’ve been asked to keep secrets from the other parent or family member, and that makes me feel uncomfortable.
- I get asked a lot of questions about the time I spend with the other parent or family member, which makes me feel like I can’t be honest.
- Someone says hurtful things or acts upset when I tell them I’ve had a good time with the other parent or family member.
- I’m told I shouldn’t talk to or be close to the other parent or family member.
- Someone tells me things about the other parent or family member that feel unfair or make me feel guilty.
- I’ve been told that the other parent or family member doesn’t really love me, and that makes me doubt myself.
- Someone looks sad, angry, or hurt when I leave to be with the other parent or family member, and it makes me feel bad for wanting to go.
- I’ve been asked to spy on the other parent or family member, and that makes me feel uncomfortable.
- Someone says mean or untrue things about the other parent or family member, and I feel confused about who to believe.
- I’m given the choice to spend time with the other parent or family member, but I always feel like I should say no to avoid upsetting someone.
- Someone doesn’t want me to keep photos or memories of the other parent or family member, which makes me feel like I’m being asked to forget them.
- I’m asked to call my step-parent by “mum” or “dad,” and it feels like it’s not okay to have my own feelings about them.
- I’ve been told that I don’t have to listen to what the other parent or family member says, but that makes me feel like I’m being asked to pick a side.
- Someone says that the other parent or family member is dangerous, even though they weren’t before, and it makes me scared or unsure.
- Someone doesn’t want the other parent or family member to know how I’m doing at school, and it feels like I’m keeping secrets.
- I’ve been made to call my step-parent “mum” or “dad,” and it feels wrong if I don’t want to.
If these things are happening to you, stop and think for yourself.
Here are things you can do:
Sometimes, when parents or other family members feel hurt or upset, they might say things about the other person that aren’t true. But here’s the important part – just because someone says something, it doesn’t mean it’s the truth.
Check out these powerful questions below. They’re like your personal superhero questions that help you look at things in a new way and make decisions that are best for you.
Find a quiet space, get comfortable, and let’s take a moment to think things through together!
Ask yourself these questions
Take a moment to reflect with these questions. They can help you see things from a new perspective and make your own decisions:
- What do I believe about this situation?
- Why do I believe it? Where did that belief come from?
- What do I know is actually true?
- What have I seen with my own eyes or experienced first-hand?
- Is there another way I could think about this?
- What evidence do I have to support this new way of thinking?
- Could I be wrong, or have I been told things by family members that might not be true?
- Am I trying to make one parent or family member happy more than the other?
- Am I allowed to change my mind about this?
- What might happen if I stopped believing everything one parent or family member has told me?
Here are some more questions to ask yourself. Take your time and really think about each one:
- What choices do I have right now?
- What do I think about those choices?
- What am I being pressured to do, either by my parents or other family members?
- How do I feel about that option?
- How can I have a healthy relationship with both my parents and other important family members?
- What do I know to be true about each of my parents and family members?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- What kind of person will I be…
In one year’s time?
In five years’ time?
In ten years’ time?
…if I am not true to myself?
- What kind of relationship do I want with both of my parents and family members?
Prioritising Time & Relationships
- Which family members are most important to me right now? Why?
- How can I maximise the quality of my time with my elderly relatives, given the time limitations?
- What activities would be most meaningful to spend time doing with them?
- What are my realistic expectations for the time I have with elderly family members? (Acknowledging their potential physical or cognitive limitations)
- Are there certain conversations I want to have with them before it’s too late? What are those conversations?
- What memories do I want to create with them?
- Is there family history I should learn more about while they are still around?
- How can I balance spending time with family with my other responsibilities and emotional needs?
- Do I need to ask for help managing my time and emotional energy so I can spend time with family? From whom?
- Am I prioritising family time based on my own needs or the expectations of others?
- Am I feeling pressured to spend time with family I don't want to spend time with? Why? How do I address that?
- Does spending time with family increase or decrease my stress levels? How can I make it a positive experience?
- How can I make the most of my visits, even if they are short?
- How can I communicate my needs and boundaries respectfully to family members?
Addressing Emotional Challenges
- What are my concerns about spending time with family, and how can I address them proactively?
- What boundaries do I need to set to protect myself emotionally while still connecting with family?
- How can I communicate my boundaries clearly and respectfully to family members?
- What coping strategies can I use if a family interaction becomes difficult?
- How can I learn to forgive past hurts and move forward in a healthy way? (This is crucial, and professional support may be essential here)
- What support can I seek to help me navigate these complex family relationships?
- How can I focus on building new, healthy relationships within my family, rather than dwelling on past problems?
Healthy Boundaries
Here are some ways to set some boundaries:
Setting boundaries with parents who are in conflict can be challenging but is essential for your well-being. Here are some examples of what you might say to establish boundaries with parents:
Expressing Feelings
"I love both of you, but when you talk negatively about each other, it makes me feel upset and caught in the middle. Can we focus on positive things when we're together?"
Taking Control of Conversations
"I would prefer not to discuss issues between you two. It's hard for me, and I want our time together to be positive."
Clarifying Independence
"I need space to form my own opinions about each of you. Please don't pressure me to take sides; I want to make my own decisions."
Avoiding Negative Conversations
"I don't want to hear negative things about the other parent. Can we keep our conversations focused on things that make me feel good?"
Setting Expectations
"I want to enjoy my time with each of you without feeling stressed. Let's agree not to involve me in your conflicts."
Expressing Love for Both Parents
"I love you both, and it hurts when I feel stuck between your disagreements. Can we find a way to make things more positive for all of us?"
Requesting a United Front
"I know you both love me. It would mean a lot if you could find a way to communicate and support me without involving me in your conflicts."
Seeking Professional Help
"I think it would be helpful for all of us to talk to someone who can help us navigate these difficult situations. Can we consider seeing a family counsellor?"
Explaining the Impact
"When you argue or say negative things about each other, it makes it hard for me to feel comfortable and loved. Can we work on keeping our time together positive?"
Affirming Independence
"I appreciate your concern, but I need to figure things out on my own. Please respect my need for independence in my relationships with both of you."
These statements can serve as starting points for you to express your feelings and establish healthy boundaries with your parents.
Unhelpful thinking
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Negative glasses – when you only see the negatives and ignore the positives. If you have a good time, you will still find things that were wrong and then you only see these negative things.
Positives don’t count – When positive are dismissed. You might have a good day with you parent until you start thinking about all the negative things your other parent has told you about them.
All-or-nothing thinking – When you think everything and everyone is good or bad. There is no in-between. You might think one parent is perfect while your other parent is all bad. You might have an argument with your parent and think you’re a bad son/daughter because you made them mad.
Magnifying the negative – When the importance of things that happen is exaggerated.
Negative events are magnified and blown up out of all proportion.
The mind reader – When you think you know what another person is thinking or feeling about you. You might think you parent doesn’t love you when you have no concrete information to support this.
Fortune-telling – When you think you know what will happen. Like thinking, if you see your other parent they will be awful to you, even when you have no concrete information to support this.
Shoulds – When you have rules on how you should behave and how others should behave and when these shoulds don’t happen, you can feel disappointed or angry.
Blame me – When you decide you are to blame for everything that’s gone wrong, even when these things were outside of your control, like blaming yourself for your parents deciding to split up.
Self support
How can I support myself?
When you're in a tough situation, like feeling caught between two parents, your mind can get really busy. You might think things that make you feel awful, especially when it feels like you have to choose sides. These thoughts can change how you feel and how you act, and they can also be influenced by what others say or do.
Some of your thoughts might be about:
- How you see yourself:
- "I’m the problem."
- "I’m not allowed to love both parents."
- "It’s my fault things are this way."
- How you judge yourself based on what’s going on:
- "I have to pick a side."
- "I’m letting one parent down."
- "I’m not a good kid if I spend time with both."
- How you feel about the future:
- "Things will never get better."
- "I’ll always have to choose."
- "I’ll never be happy if I keep making them upset."
The thoughts we have about ourselves and our future can be:
- Automatic – they just happen. They pop up without you having to think of them.
- Distorted – when you stop and check, you’ll find that they don’t always fit all the facts.
- Continuous – they can’t easily be turned off.
- Seem true – even when they’re not.
When these thoughts are unhelpful (for example, "I’m the problem"), they can make you feel awful and change the way you behave. Sometimes, these thoughts can be influenced by others, like feeling you’re only a good person when you do what one parent tells you. This can make it even harder to see the situation clearly and understand that it's not your fault, and you're allowed to love both parents.
Remember, these thoughts don’t define who you are or what your future will be. They are often influenced by the stress of being caught in the middle, and you don’t have to carry the blame.
What can you do?
Check for unhelpful thinking traps:
When you're stuck in a tough situation, like feeling torn between two parents, it’s easy to get stuck in negative thinking patterns. These patterns, or thinking traps, can make everything feel worse and might make you believe things that aren’t true. Here are some questions to help you spot these traps and challenge them:
How often do you find yourself looking for the bad things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself looking for the things that go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you ignore or overlook the positive or good things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you play down the positive or good things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself using all-or-nothing thinking?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you think you know what other people are thinking about you?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you expect things to go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you think that things are not good enough unless they are perfect?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself thinking that you ‘should’ do this or that?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you blame yourself for the things that happen or go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
When we get stuck in these thinking traps, it’s important we get a more balanced view of what is going on. Here are some questions that might help you challenge these thoughts and get a clearer perspective:
- What evidence is there to support this thought?
- What evidence is there to question this thought?
- What would my best friend say if they heard me thinking in this way?
- What would I say to my best friend if he or she had this thought?
Find My Parent APP
Search for your family today! Visit their website HERE and download their app below.
Headspace LINKS
10 Self-Care Tips for Maximising Wellbeing
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
It is important that we look after our physical and mental health so we can keep on top of things during stressful times.
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
General practitioners (GPs) are doctors who are trained to help you with any type of physical or mental health issue. They keep your health issues private and their services are either free or at a low cost. This means that seeing a GP is a great place to start when you are concerned about any health issues including contraception, sex
General practitioners (GPs) are doctors who are trained to help you with any type of physical or mental health issue. They keep your health issues private and their services are either free or at a low cost. This means that seeing a GP is a great place to start when you are concerned about any health issues including contraception, sexual health, drug or alcohol use, relationship problems, or feeling down or upset.
Sleep is a really important part of your life
Getting help from a general practitioner (GP)
Sleep is a really important part of your life
It helps us to feel well, focused and happy. Most people experience a bad night's sleep now and again, but if you regularly don't get enough sleep it can really affect how you feel and what you can get done during the day.
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Parental Alienating Behaviours
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