What is Parental Alienation?

Parental Alienation is the outcome of a process where a child's relationship with one parent (the targeted parent) is negatively influenced by the actions of the other parent (the alienating parent). The child's rejection of the parent occurs in the absence of a reasonable justification for the rejection.*

The alienating parent can be a mother or a father, a grandparent, a step parent and even a non-family member.

Parental alienation can occur even when the relationship between the targeted child and targeted parent was once a very positive one. It occurs when a child is forced to choose one parent’s side over the other after family separation and during parenting disputes.

Siblings, grandparents, step parents, aunties, uncles and cousins can also be alienated during the process or individually alienated.

*Reference: Haines, J., Matthewson, M., & Turnbull, M. (2020). Understanding and Managing Parental Alienation: A Guide to Assessment and Intervention. Routledge.

Coercive Control

Coercive control is when someone strategically uses various behaviours to create dependency and control of another person. Through the use of these behaviours, the coercively controlling person creates a false world of confusion, fear and contradiction. Over time, coercively controlling behaviour erodes the other person’s sense of self and confidence. These behaviours are at the heart of parental alienation.

Parental Alienating Behaviours Power & Control Wheel

[Image] Adapted from:

Harman, J. J., & Matthewson, M. (2020). Parental alienating behaviors. In D. Lorandos and W. Bernet (Eds.), Parental Alienation - Science and Law,pp. 82-141. Springfield, IL: Charles C Thomas Publisher.

DOWNLOAD IMAGE (PDF)

The alienated child is coerced into an impossible position and must comply with the alienating parent or risk the second loss of a parent (because they have been coerced into rejecting the other parent).

Examples of coercive controlling behaviour used by alienating parents against their children:

Pressure the child to feel allegiance/loyalty to them
Pressure/reward the child to reject the targeted parent
Make the child afraid of the targeted parent in the absence of a real threat
Coerce the child to be defiant towards the targeted parent

Coercive control “encompasses a wide range of tactics designed to minimise the power over the victim by controlling their behaviours. Alienating parents are primarily motivated to have absolute control over those close to them, and so loyalty-inducing behaviours and manipulation of others are used to accomplish this goal.” Harman and Matthewson (2020) pp. 86

“Alienating parents exert coercive control over the alienated parent in many ways, especially with the use of gatekeeping behaviours.” Harman and Matthewson (2020) pp. 86

“In order to achieve control, the alienating parent will present themselves as the devoted and consistently stable parent while simultaneously undermining the relationship between the child and the alienated parents.” Harman and Matthewson (2020) pp. 87

Reference: Harman, JJ and Matthewson, ML (2020) , 'Parental alienating behaviours', in D Lorandos and W Bernet (eds.), Parental Alienation: Science and Law , Charles C Thomas, Publisher, Ltd., United States, pp. 82-141.

Levels of Parental Alienation

Mild Parental Alienation

The child is able to maintain contact with the targeted parent but is closely aligned with and concerned for the alienating parent who is distress over family separation.

Moderate Parental Alienation

The child struggles with the transition from the alienating parent’s care to the care of the targeted parent. Once they have made the transition the child quickly settles and bonds with the targeted parent.

Severe Parental Alienation

The child is emphatic in their rejection of the targeted parent and refuses all contact with them.

Poisoning a Childs's Mind Against a Parent

A child experiencing parental alienation

Causes of Parental Alienation

The challenge for a family following separation is to transition from an intact family structure to a separated family structure that is now united by the children and by the continuing parental roles and shared bonds of affection with the child. Sometimes the emotional reactions and psychological functioning of one parent in response to the separation prevents this transition. When this occurs children can be exposed to that parent’s continuing anger and sadness.

Characteristics of Alienating Parents

Problematic personality traits
narcissistic personality traits
borderline personality traits
paranoid personality traits
histrionic personality traits
Cognitive distortions
Externalising unwanted emotions and responsibilities
Unable to accept own problems
Abnormal grieving response
Problematic family of origin
Poor relationship history
Desire for control
Desire for vengeance

For more information about B Cluster personality disorders visit Project Air for Fact Sheets.

Alienation Processes

Adultification
Parentification
Infantilisation and learned helplessness
Learning
Programming/brainwashing

Tactics & Behaviours

This link is to a detailed list of tactics is quoted directly from:

Haines, J., Matthewson, M., & Turnbull, M. (2020). Understanding and Managing Parental Alienation: A Guide to Assessment and Intervention. Routledge.

List of Tactics & Alienating Behaviours

TYPES of Alienating Parents:

The Naïve Alienator

Naïve alienators are parents who are passive about the children's relationship with the other parent. They will occasionally do or say things to contribute to alienation. Naive alienators can respond well to education about the negative impacts of their behaviour.

The Active Alienator

Active alienators are aware of their behaviour and intentionally alienate their children from the other parent out of hurt and anger. Active alienators have some insight and will express remorse for their behaviour after they are aware of the damage it has caused.

The Vengeful Alienator

Vengeful alienators believe the targeted parent has to pay for the end of their relationship. Because of this they make it their mission to destroy the targeted parent. Like obsessed alienators, the vengeful alienators have no self-control or insight into their behaviour. They typically present with narcissistic and borderline personality traits. When their relationship ends with the targeted parent, for whatever reason, the vengeful alienator experiences an abnormal grief reaction called narcissistic injury. They will intensely feel the loss and embarrassment of the loss. They will externalise the cause of their pain and will want the targeted parent to suffer for their pain.

The Obsessive Alienator

Obsessed alienators make destroying the targeted parent part of their identity. The obsessed alienator typically has little self-control and insight into their behaviour. They may present with problematic personality traits such as narcissistic and borderline traits.

Alienated Children (Targeted)

disrupted social-emotional development
insecure attachment style
interpersonal problems
paranoid thinking
obsessive-compulsive tendencies
low self-esteem
resentment
grief
anger
depression
anxiety
somatic symptoms
substance related problems
suicide

a) family violence and abuse

b) trauma related disorder

c) persistent complex bereavement

Trauma Bonding

The alienated child develops an unhealthy emotional attachment (trauma bond) to their abuser, the alienating parent. Trauma bonding behaviours are seen in cults, hostage situations, human trafficking, intimate partner violence and child abuse. It is a result of interpersonal trauma in violent or exploitative relationships. (Reid et al., 2013)

List of Detection Factors of Brainwashed Children

Contradictory Statements
Inappropriate and Unnecessary Information
Character Assault
Collusion or One-Sided Alliance
Child Becomes Spy or Conduit of Information
Use of Indirect Statements
Restrictions on Permission to Love or Be Loved
Unchildlike Statements
Good Parent versus Bad Parent
Comparative Martyr Role
Fear of Contact with the Other Parent
Anxiety Arousal
Cohort in Secret-Keeping
Child Appears as Mirror-Image of Programmer
Confusion of a Birth Parent’s Importance
Manifestation of Guilt
Scripted Views
Unmanageability for No Apparent Reason
Radical Changes and Dysfunctional Behavior Manifested in Other Spheres
Nonverbal Messages
Coaching Behavior
Brain Twirling
Child Threatens Parent
Child as Parent’s Best Friend
Physical Survival

Reference: Stanley Clawar and Brynne Rivlin (2013) Children Held Hostage: Identifying Brainwashed Children, Presenting a Case, and Crafting Solutions. ABA Publishing.

Impact of Parental Alienation

The impact of parental alienation can last for years or even a life time. It denies children a normal childhood free from parental conflict and denies them a relationship with both parents. It can also prevent a child from having a relationship with the alienated parent’s family.

Evidence Based Intervention for Parental Alienation

Consequences for Alienated Children

Alienated children display unjustified contempt for the alienated parent and an attitude of entitlement toward the alienated parent. They are taught to have a perception of an “all-wonderful” alienating parent and “all-bad” targeted parent. As a result of this alienated children experience disrupted social-emotional development as a consequence of parental alienation.

Alienated children experience a complex grief for the loss of a parent who is still alive. Because this loss is the result of emotional manipulation, alienated children experience psychological difficulties associated with this type of trauma and abuse. Parental alienation causes emotional pain for children. The long-term outcomes of parental alienation on children include: social isolation, fragile sense of self, anger, depression and anxiety.

Consequences for Alienated Parents

The loss of a child is devastating. Alienated parents experience ambiguous loss* for the loss of their child who is still alive. This loss is compounded by being denigrated and vilified as part of the alienation process. Alienated parents experience despair, helplessness, frustration, anger and confusion. Many alienated parents experience significant financial and emotional costs associated with trying to find a resolution in a legal system and mental health services that do not understand parental alienation.

Alienated parents are loving mothers and fathers who try to keep their child out of the parental conflict.

* Ambiguous Loss: A result of traumatic loss. It is externally caused. It is a senseless loss. The situation lacks closure. They experience frozen grief/being stuck in limbo. It is an individual journey. (Boss, 1999, 2009)

Impact of Parental Alienating Behaviours

Children and parents subjected to these abusive behaviours experience the same trauma reactions as those who have suffered other forms of abuse. Some of the psychological issues for both children and adults are symptoms consistent with complex post-traumatic stress reactions, substance use problems, self-harm behaviours, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and suicidality

EMMM considers that the minimum key areas of expertise required of a single expert include:

Parental alienation dynamics;
Family Violence and child maltreatment;
Sexual abuse;
Attachment theory;
Personality disorders;
Anxieties, fears and phobias;
Family systems;
Complex trauma;
False confessions;
False memories;
Repressed memories;
Assessment and diagnosis;
Trauma-informed practice;
Interviewing Children (see note); and
Risk Assessments (risk of harm to self, others and child safety risk);

Note: It must be determined whether the interviewing, questioning and counselling techniques used with the child were so suggestive that they had the capacity to substantially alter the child's recollections of events and thus compromise the reliability of the child's personal knowledge. Parental alienation cases are counterintuitive and can externally look very similar. Identifying and presenting a case to the family court is not a one size fits all.

Testimony: Dr. Jack P. Shonkoff

Dr. Shonkoff testified about both the trauma that such a forcible separation can cause, as well as the long-term effects of toxic stress that continue to compound until separated children and their parents or caregivers are reunited.

"From a scientific perspective, the forcible separation of children from their parents is like setting a house on fire. Prolonging that separation is like preventing the first responders from doing their job." - Jack P. Shonkoff, M.D.