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Parents in Alienation Situations
The most important thing to remember is to NEVER GIVE UP.
It is essential to engage in self-care practices to help maintain your physical and emotional health. Self-care is like putting on a life vest when you’re on a sinking ship. Looking after your emotional health is crucial to help you on the journey ahead of you and help you connect with your child or children by keeping you well and in a healthy frame of mind.
Emotional Self-Care
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Emotional Self-Care
Emotional self-care means different things to different people. The key to emotional self-care is being in tune with yourself. Think about a time when you felt happy and healthy, and consider asking yourself the following questions:
What fun or leisure activities did you enjoy? Were there events or outings that you looked forward to?
Did you write down your thoughts in a journal or personal notebook?
Were meditation or relaxation activities a part of your regular schedule?
What inspirational words were you reading? Did you have a particular author or favourite website to go to for inspiration?
Who did you spend time with? Was there someone, or a group of people, that you felt safe and supported around?
Where did you spend your time? Was there a special place, maybe outdoors or at a friend’s house, where you felt comfortable and grounded?
Physical Self-Care
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Emotional Self-Care
Good physical health can support you through this time. Think about a time when you felt physically healthy, and consider asking yourself the following questions:
How were you sleeping? Did you have a sleep ritual or nap pattern that made you feel more rested?
What types of food were you eating? What meals made you feel healthy and strong?
What types of exercise did you enjoy? Were there any particular activities that made you feel more energized?
Did you perform certain routines? Were there activities you did to start the day off right or wind down at the end of the day?
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Communicating with your Child
Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want.
It also involves:
- going inside of yourself to figure out what you feel, and then
- clearly and calmly communicating that with the other person
Be honest with yourself and with professionals. In high conflict separations, often both parties have contributed in some way to the current situation but on different scales. Accept responsibility for any past unhelpful behaviour.
Children are more likely to be drawn to someone who displays remorse and humility rather than someone who denies unhelpful choices, is arrogant or is defensive.
Communicating with your Child
Communicating with the Other Parent
Communicating with your Child
- Avoid emotion-laden communication with your child. Keep it light. Understand that your child is already under emotional pressure. Be patient and calm. Learn to appreciate the "crumbs" of communication from your child.
- Never talk bad about your child's other parent or family members. Children in loyalty conflict situations are very protective of the parent they have aligned to.
- Alienated children lose their ability to use critical thinking when they are under a lot of emotional pressure and being influenced by the alienating parent. It is important not to add to the situation by making them feel guilty, talking about your feelings or they could retract more.
- Alienated children will often block and unblock the targeted parent on social media out of curiosity. Make sure your social media stream is inviting to your child and perhaps leave an image of you together (public setting) for them to find you and see a precious reminder.
Here is a helpful link to an article "Take the Warshak Test Before Talking to Children About Your Ex" by Dr Richard A Warshak, author of Divorce Poison. Link HERE
Communicating with the Other Parent
Communicating with the Other Parent
Communicating with the Other Parent
Remember your behaviour, including your words spoken and written, which includes your texts, emails, Facebook and so on, can be used against you by the other parent and submitted as evidence in court. Always speak calmly, speak assertively and never lose your temper.
The ongoing conflict has a significant impact on children, parents and extended family. When a child sees or hears a parent harmed verbally, emotionally or physically, it is similar to children being hurt themselves.
We recommend the following book:
"Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You" by Amy JL. Baker and Paul R. Fine.
And the link below will take you to a beneficial article by Dr Amy JL Baker and Paul R. Fine.
"Beyond the High Road: Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child."
Consequences for Alienated Parents
Communicating with the Other Parent
Communicating with the Other Parent
The loss of a child is devastating. Alienated parents experience complex grief for the loss of their child, who is still alive. This loss is compounded by being denigrated and vilified as part of the alienation process. Alienated parents experience despair, helplessness, frustration, anger and confusion.
Many alienated parents experience significant financial and emotional costs associated with trying to find a resolution in a legal system and mental health services that do not understand parental alienation.
You must practice self-care every day. Be sure to have regular checkups with your local GP, including blood tests, to ensure everything is functioning normally. Stress can have a significant impact on the body.
You can get a referral under a mental health plan to a psychologist for additional support and tools to cope with your situation.
Understanding your Child's Experience
Understanding your Child's Experience
Understanding your Child's Experience
Alienated children display unjustified contempt for the alienated parent and an attitude of entitlement toward the alienated parent. They are taught to perceive an “all-wonderful” alienating parent and “all-bad” targeted parent. As a result of this, alienated children experience disrupted social-emotional development as a consequence of parental alienation.
Parental alienation causes emotional pain for children. Alienated children experience complex grief for the loss of a parent who is still alive. Because this loss results from emotional manipulation, alienated children experience psychological difficulties associated with this type of trauma and abuse.
The long-term outcomes of parental alienation on children include social isolation, fragile sense of self, anger, depression and anxiety.
Your time
Understanding your Child's Experience
Understanding your Child's Experience
Ask yourself these questions: Am I constructive with my time and energy today? Am I helping my situation with my actions? If my child was to look in on my life, would they be attracted to who I am?
Sometimes thoughts can carry you away or bring you down when you are grieving for your child or children. It is normal to grieve in these circumstances. Still, if you are not bouncing back, it is vital to get additional support through a support group or make an appointment to see a psychologist or counsellor.
When you feel down, try to push yourself to go for a walk, turn on some upbeat music, go and catch up with uplifting friends, or try a change of scenery.
The best thing to do is move into self-care mode. Don't feel guilty for taking time out for yourself. Your children need you to look after yourself, so you're equipped to handle the situation better.
Getting enough sleep
Understanding your Child's Experience
Getting enough sleep
Sleep is an essential part of our lives. It helps us to feel well, focused and happy.
Studies say that adults need between 7-9 hours of sleep a night. Sleep deprivation can affect mood, concentration, gastrointestinal systems and our ability to learn information and solve tasks, amongst other effects.
- Get to bed and wake up at the same time every day. This is helpful to get you into a good sleep routine.
- Avoid getting onto social media in the evening and reading posts that may cause you to get angry or upset about your situation right before bed.
- Turn off screens (phones, tv, computer) at least 30mins before bedtime.
- Avoid drinking alcohol or caffeine before bedtime.
- Your bedroom should be dark and cool.
- If you have a late-night and can sleep in, consider wearing soft eye covers.
Children of Parents with Mental Illness (COPMI)
This series of videos were created for young people (from 10 years and above) who have a parent who experiences a mental illness.
- What is Mental Illness?
- What is a Personality Disorder?
- What is Depression?
- What is Psychosis?
- What is Anxiety?
- What is BiPolar?
- What are Eating Disorders?
- Getting Better
- Looking After You
Other Helpful Links
Australian Federal Police and Family Law
This material is produced by the AFP and is intended to provide general information in summary form on Family Law orders relating to children.
ComCourts Portal
The Commonwealth Courts Portal is web-based service for people to access information about their cases that are before the courts.
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Parental Alienating Behaviours
are Child Abuse & Family Violence.
This serious form of abuse and family violence can no longer be ignored. Parental alienating behaviours must be acknowledged in Australia as it is in other parts of the world. We need legislation that not only acknowledges its existence but firmly and clearly legislates against it.